wife had a cow

Subject:	screams calling london
Time:	4:47 pm.

So, 10 days. And I still have no idea what anything will be like at the end of it. Going to bed is starting to become panic-inducing again though, so tonight I'm gonna be boozy and yobby - going to stezzas to watch the footy.

After watching that doco last night and captioning a bit of different one today and seeing about 10 minutes of another one on madalyn murray o'hair a few days ago and after some long-running general thinking + discussions, as fucked as america is, I still can't help thinking that at least they do actually have a living, decent left-wing movement which australia is severely lacking. I don't know how much the difference in population is to blame. I also like GetUp more and more, but anyway...

At any rate, I'd like to see the differences if I went to the US, even state to state.

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Subject:	the weather underground...
Time:	12:19 am.

..is probably the best doco I've seen in the last year or more. Taxi to the Dark Side also good, but not filled with masses of new unreal stuff I hadn't heard of at all or couldn't have guessed at. Props to SBS, and poo on you in equal amounts to that fuckwit whose name escapes me at the moment who often writes in the opinions section of the SMH. Yes, SBS is irrelevant...if you're a giant ignorant fuckwit.

For a doco that easily could've been totally shithouse, incredibly well put together. Admirable people, despite bombings and death and whatnot. Passion and commitment and smarts and follow-through, how I admire you. And exceptionally candid people, with open regrets and misgivings and questions.

Capitalism gun down democracy. Sentiment = crystalised.

Staying up too late = bloody stupid. Let me just crystalise that sentiment now...

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Subject:	rock-bottom riser, i owe it all to you
Time:	12:33 am.
Music:	smog.

spent a total of five days at work this fornight. sick + annual leave for the rest. was gonna go away with charlie this wed+thurs but then too sick and had too much shit (cleaning) to do so we can finally get the bathroom fixed and alert hideous real estate cunts about massively deteriorating roof situation. after those cancelled plans, we were gonna go to the zoo on wednesday, but after two weeks of no sleep i woke up and couldn't bear the thought. now i'm in larwob after getting heavily soaked after deciding to leave sydney at the most inopportune time, ie: when that fuckoff storm happened.

**

old news, but got told i won't be able to take any time off for xmas except the public hols. SUCK. bossman said there was a slim chance, but i doubt it and my performance/absence over the past two weeks probably won't help. incredibly fucked off. was gonna take two weeks off and it was the only major good on the horizon for a long while. mum even seemed more disppointed than i thought she would be. so, no, i don't get to see spanna +1 and +2 for another year or fuck around with the family for a week and bask in the glory of extended not work. all this and more tipping the scales away from being able to handle this job in the long-term.

pfft, the more i think about it the pissier i get. anyway, larwob - came to set up rest of the house for ensuing xmas onslaught of family + various significant others. now i'm here to do it, kinda bitter. but, anyfuck, should get the sleep for the doing of things on the morrow. evening.

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Subject:	a swing to the abc
Time:	7:24 pm.

i'm posting so that means i've been at home for an extended period, alone, and it's a work day so, yes, i'm sick. after getting NOTHING for around two years, getting sick so much this year really blows chunks, maybe literally.

and the throat n' coughing n' all that stuff I can handle, just the fucked sensory perceptions really throw me off. sound and time are particularly nasty.

the sound of the liberals self-imploding, however, very pleasing.

word on the street is that dad a) is in tahiti, and b) has diabetes. b i find kind of amusing because of all the shit he could've got, it had to be the thing that fucks with what he can eat. suck on that. or don't, because it could fuck you up.

my genes have taken quite a battering in the last year. the old heritage ain't looking so peachy. a little unsettling, but not enough to get me to stop smoking. puff-puff.

and the year just disappears. as steady and comforting as gainful, full-time, long-term employment is, the increasing numbers of doodles i bring home every day say it's not so great. our xmas party is on some kind of boat which apparently doesn't go anywhere. analyse that, bitches.

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Subject:	he gets all that anger from me
Time:	12:46 pm.

a) if you didn't know who you were gonna vote for MONTHS before the election was called, don't vote.

b) if you are annoyed with labor for i) only saying the opposite to liberal or ii) only saying things that are incredibly similar to liberal, vote green or don't vote.

c) if you're gonna base your vote on "what's good for you", don't vote and then go fuck yourself

d) all of the above - shoot yourself in the foot and never ever vote again. maybe even consider a move to pitcairn.

**

the two-party system blows. you get stuck in the same/different, same/same shit and it's boring as all fuck and it's got sfa to do with actual democracy.

binary systems don't leave room for useful, productive debate 'cause when it's just about numbers and one versus the other, there's no reason for either to listen to the other or compromise with them. if barnaby fuckwit joyce demonstrated anything, it's that a few people (preferably good people, ie: greens and distinctly not joyce or family first) situated on the edges can do a fuck of a lot when it really counts.

the greens aren't gonna suddenly become one of the two major parties, but they don't need to to be effective. and without them there - or, i suppose, someone else willing to stand only on their own principles - it's just a fucking joke.

**

meanwhile, i took some of charlie's painkillers/sleeping pills last night and while i slept pain-free, i just feel very much like i should still be asleep. dizziness is not so fun.

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Subject:	fight the power
Time:	12:04 pm.

"Tonight, in our rich and beautiful country, there are children living out a Hobbesian nightmare of violence, abuse and neglect." - John Howard.

Uh, hello, children overboard. It seems you've reappeared in a slightly different guise, but with very much the same aim and with very much the same timing, and a very similar racist undertone [or resounding overtone].

but let's clear one thing up from the get go: pointing out the glaring similarities to the bunch of shit that children overboard turned out to be does not mean i'm denying the fucked conditions for aboriginal people in this country. saying howard is fucked cunt and that's he's a hideous motherfucker amidst a world of motherfuckers does not deny it either. but, come on, this guy has been in power for over a decade, yet he can still manage to spin this shit so that, somehow, it's only an issue worth acting on now and only in the way this government says, and he does it in a way that people believe it.

anyone who has been saying he's a fucked cunt and this is a cunting fuck of a thing to do is getting shouted down with calls that they don't care about the conditions of aboriginal people in this country, particularly the children. 'save the children' is a great catchcry and an easy way to win arguments and the popular vote, but it doesn't mean shit if, say, you have been entirely infuckingactive for the past decade, if you've actually shunted aboriginal issues further and further back for the past decade so much so that it hasn't even been an minor issue in past elections, all fucking...what is it? three or four of them. the fact that anything good could come of this doesn't mean i have to shut up about how fucked it is.

or i could just agree without question that sending in the army and police on the basis of a catchcry, without significant consideration or consultation, and ignoring all the underfunded programs that have been working and would have been working better if this government hadn't shunted them, i could just agree that this is the best and only thing to do [and on that basis, i could support the war on iraq too]. well, fuck, we better send the army into the catholic church and not let there be an outcry about that, because that wouldn't be unreasonable at all.

substitute "remote aboriginal community" and replace it with any group that contains a majority of whites, this wouldn't happen. ever.

**

"Why now? Because if we had held back...we would have stood condemned, and rightly so." - John Howard.

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Subject:	sometimes they let strangers in
Time:	12:45 am.

i just looked at that quiz thingo i did last night. the editors at work must really hate me. too many fucking mistakes to even be bothered correcting - missing words, missing suffixes, reading "colour" instead of "flower".

rach has hit computernerd geekdom about 15 years after it all happened. she keeps texting me and stezza about all this super great likewowman music she's downloading and we keep texting her back saying, unremittingly, "i bought that album X-number of years ago."

she gave me the shits when it got to aphex twin so i gave her an entire rundown of everything i know about every album and what i consider the weak and strong points and rant rant and she still kept telling me about it. currently she's on fiona apple.

it's not just computernerd shit. largely includes anything to do with music.

me: "you should check out the yeah yeah yeahs, really grouse"
rachel six to twelve months later: "hey, cec, check out this album by these guys called the yeah yeah yeahs! really wild!"

steph: "have you heard the arctic monkeys? they're rad, you'd really like them"
rach six months later: "listen to these guys! something monkeys, really cool! i think they're british"

also steph has been ranting at her about some clothes shop for at least four months and she finally 'discovered' it two weeks ago.

**

have not replied to ocey's email as yet, but neither has sollywah.

the girl downstairs laughs like she's surprised. the guy laughs as if his testicles have just been ripped off and he can't help but find it deliriously amusing.

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Subject:	more than we did before
Time:	5:23 pm.
Mood:	tired.

slight foulness of mood. maybe because i bought the big issue instead of lunch, lunch which i really should've had if i intended to go to the union meeting and have a few very professional beers, which i did anyway after getting an email from ocey but before getting the letter saying our rent's going up 100 bucks a month.

**

i can tend to be a bit of a militant fag at times, ranging from thinking that bisexuality is a heap of shit to considering as possible the idea that fags really are a great answer to over-population and straight people should be shot in the genitals. mostly, i'm more fucking reasonable. when ocey tells me she's 'kind of' dating a chick, i get a little unreasonable. that sexuality is fluid, that everyone's really bi and that liking someone is all about personality from start to finish are fucking great theories, but i couldn't possibly be any kind of fag if i believed they were true enough to effect my life in anything more than a theoretical or rhetorical way.

actually, i could be quite a successful fag if the above ideas were in fact a major part of how western society functioned, but the way i have identified as a fag and the type of fag that i have identified as would then be fucked, which it quite probably is anyway. that doesn't particularly bother me. identification for the sake of identification can be a very useful thing, especially since the above isn't the case. i like chicks. i don't like guys. saying i'm a fag is kind of a handy was to clarify that. it doesn't sum up everything i think about it.

but, fuck yes, as an identity one can get a tad possessive about it. i think part of that is or comes from an attempt to reverse internalised rejection of it, basically by over-compensating, by being more of a fag than what they can call you. i wasn't particularly together enough to do that in high school, but it's what i would've like to have done.

so, really, the fluid model is a much better way of operating and post-modern fag feminists are fabbo and great and grouse even though they make me want to drive blunt objects into my eye whilst i'm reading them, particularly the french. but still, 'kind of' dating a chick gives me the shits.

because she doesn't mean 'kind of' like she's unsure if they're going out. it's an entirely different kind of hesitation.

plus five million disclaimers and addendums to the above statements, ie:
- i talk about high school a lot when i think about this shit because figured i was gay and started coming out in high school. it's kind of where my frame of reference starts
- not so much with the shooting of genitals and all the rest
- sexuality, as a larger concept, may very well be fluid, but it isn't now as the situation currently stands. that has repercussions for individuals' fluidity or lack thereof and how they act in the wider world based on that
- entirely egocentric discussion with entirely egocentic reference points. because this isn't remotely like a 'discussion' in any way.

etc, ad nauseum.

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Subject:	get down, get with it
Time:	12:44 am.
Mood:	cold.

it's the coldest it's been yet, so why don't i plan on going to larwob with mum this weekend? fucking grouse. she's moving back. [large vent I couldn't be bothered typing] yes, annoying but that's the mother.

i will be bothered to say that since there's not much furniture in larwob - having been MOVED OUT by us and all - i'll be in a sleeping bag on the floor. two thumbs up.

you're fucking kidding. charlie's in europe and i just broke her nice nice gold necklace thingy that someone important gave her but i can't remember who. it was stuck in the bloody comp desk and now it's not because it's in two pieces. best thing ever. mother cunting of all fucks.

does it occur to lj that a mood of 'cold' means nothing about temperature and more about "hey, my mood is that i'm an arsehole who doesn't really relate to people very well. why not enlighten yourself and feed your soul with my so very loving, i-hope-you-die posts"?

got a raise. woot. now have to pay hecs which erases my last three raises. woot. and why are people pissy and secretive about how much they earn? 'cause any australian can work mine out from that. it seems to me the more people earn the pissier they get but it's got fuck all to do with not wanting to make anyone else uncomfortable 'cause your fucking great 4WDs make me uncomfortable.

posting reminds me why i don't post so much. but, yes, charlie in europe again for another month so i'm trying to take full advantage of the fact i don't start till 3pm tomorrow, meaning i'm forcing myself to be awake because i'm just not sleeping anyway. shit awful week. lost bus ticket. got ready to make massive curry to last for three nights and potatoes were fucked plus just didn't have key curry ingredients to begin with so ended up eating at nine after going shopping and then dropping much curry paste down the side of the oven. went to walk to work early today via post office to pay phone bill. arrived at post office distinctly without phone bill. got shits and got bus. had to buy two more lighters 'cause i keep leaving them at home. keep forgetting to call mum. keep receiving emails from mum with links to very vague news stories and one line from her asking how I am. can't believe i broke that fucking necklace. that's a pain in the cock.

labor should be renamed the renegging party of australia.

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Subject:	the earth is round, like an orange
Time:	5:37 pm.

i fucked my back. the specifics and exact nature of the fuckedness, I don't really give a shit about. just stop with the fucking. sleeping in little bursts and hobbling round like a pregnant grandmother isn't really my style. there is no comfort. since thursday, no comfort, no abatement and it turns out that our particular couch seems to be the worst possible thing ever invented to sit on.

april? easter soon? march has turned into an anti-month. from now on, it shall not exist. no record of it will survive. spanna +integers may be coming but probably not, I may or may not be talking to mum by then besides random texts and may or may not have a spine left. mum's radio started on thursday, apparently, but who can really be sure. she missed the first one - forgot about it - but had previously told someone who told stezza who told me that it didn't start until this monday. [insert nonsensical syllable] communication is key, people.

note: music is really not good of late. tediously shit even. different is good.

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Subject:	the skin of the city is blushing at the sight
Time:	10:03 am.
Mood:	ticked OFF, man.

i was planning on sleeping till 12, having a shower, playing gta for an hour, fucking off to work. boo, hiss. spent half an hour last night convincing stezza + timbob that yes, it really would be cool to go see the band we all like very, very much.

everything's very overdue. tax, centrelink repayment, rego, insurance, pinkslip, nrma, vet stuff i said i'd pay mum back for.

work is moving in about a year. three current options: two shit, one great but, of course, highly unlikely. Overall, there's too much use of the words 'state-of-the-art' and whatnot for my liking. just get the distinct impression that wherever it is will a) be a bitch to get to, and b) make me feel/look even less professional than i do already. the wanky boss dood, not to be confused with nice boss dood, was wanky and reminded me of what dad would be like in business meetings, not that i've seen him in meetings - rude, blatantly money-hungry and self-interested. he also appeared to have no lips. that does not remind me of my father.

[listing of other boring news here in point form]

just pretend i did it and you care.

**

we were meant to stay at mums last weekend but late and ikea and shitty and we got there and then we left shortly after. she was being a cunt. haven't talked to her since. it's some kind of racistly-named stand off.

stezza talked to spanna who tried to get +1 to talk, and he said "No, i'm shy, i'm shy" in a very cute way before proceeding to talk to stezza.

+1: Do you have cars at your place?
S: Yes, we've got lots of cars.
+1: OK, then we can come. we will finish dinner and then we'll come on the aeroplane.

he remembers my name but i dunno if he remembers me. "Eewl", occasionally "ceeeil".

WOW sleep would be like, totally too great man, fully whatever totally like yeah.

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Time:

6:21 pm.

the sister of a friend of a friend is doing some kind of thesis, prolly in sociology, on something to do with fags and fag support systems, not quite in those words.

i have never met her, i'm not entirely sure what the deal/viewpoint/anything is (as illustrated above), but she needs interviews with fags who've used faggy support stuff - uni/social/twatever groups, counselling services, phonelines, etc etc, even if highly unsuccessfully, even if incredibly briefly, even if for the last 10 years and counting.

i'm guessing she'd do a phone interview, but is in sydney.

confidential, yada yada, wow, you're so grouse for helping. questions, comments, "get your shitty semi-advertising off" rants or "i can do it, let me do it, doing stuff with the do" - use the comment button, losers.

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Subject:	imagine me turning to run
Time:	10:41 pm.
Mood:	calm.
Music:	smog.

at mum's house, not the larwob one. i think i'll just call it h'bury.
tests turned into results turned into appointments turned into hospital visits and will turn into more. i worked two days this week.

this place is full of mosquitoes.

was only going to stay wednesday night but probably not leaving until tomorrow night, after rachel comes, but maybe even sunday. the main problem with this is i only packed enough clothes for one night - pjs, shorts, pants, two tees, jumper. and that jumper really hasn't proven it's worth so far. i think i'm slightly smelly, but am not entirely sure.

didn't actually want to be here when rach was. i haven't spoken to her since around the 5th, i think, but did today and it helped plenty that she was drunk as all get out and tres amusing. she's bringing the cat. she's obsessed with that fucking cat.

ocey is back in the country, although i've got no idea where. had one email listing very briefly a bunch of fucked experiences in india and have heard nothing since.

( the second-to-last email i got from oce included... )

Am reading winterson's passion again because it's the thing i grabbed. she really doesn't write about stuff, does she - things, issues, politics, though it contains all that. she really just seems to like writing a lot. it makes me like writing, maybe not a lot, but enough to wish i had any idea at all to at least give it another burl. i have no ideas. not a story, not a person, not an image. maybe tv really does rot your brain.

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Subject:	sexy back
Time:	12:36 pm.
Mood:	sleepy.
Music:	re.spektor.

wow, it's a different year. who knew.

in reverse from the present - charlie's beeday. Am taking her for a weekend somewhere but NEITHER of us have any idea where. Also, mum is going for some tests for a scary thing/s today which I'm trying really hard not to think about. results on monday.

i got another raise. woot.

stezza's beeday last friday - got her and tim tickets to the streets. they seemed vaguely excited in a nonchalant way.

decided to go and see the fireworks in syd on new years just for once. went to meet stezza + timbob at birchgrove park, taximan dropped us off and we waited for 20 minutes in front of the mr whippy van for steph before getting phone reception and realising we were not actually at birchgrove park at all. still dunno where we were, but it had a grouse view and a cricket pitch and a mr whippy van - apparently very similar to the layout of birchgrove. I did massacre my finger somewhat on non-twist top beer.

x'mas = biggest non-event ever. i got back to work and was waiting for the weekend, still thinking it was about to be x'mas.

Reason it was a non-event - mum moved 4 days before. we spent the day before x'mas totally arranging all the furniture. and there's always that desk that, somehow, the movers put in a room, yet it appears in every way to be too big to get back out of that room. I had freaky-looking bruises up my veins on my wrists.

i bought a 5kg ham to make it a little more x'massy. it cost 73 bucks.

mum and rach are impossible to deal with together, and i had much trouble talking to mum the last day i was there. rach is always annoying.

and i don't remember what my last post could possibly have been. showers and consumption of foodly goods must occur.

( boo, a survey, booo! )

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Subject:	this is how people continue
Time:	12:55 pm.
Mood:	amused.
Music:	dresden dolls.

i like rain. rain rain rain. and the new [or possibly quite old] lj updatey layout. and that it's not anywhere near 30 degrees. and that i got my leave approved for xmas, otherwise it would've just been xmas and boxing day off. but since i don't have bucket loads of leave, still is only from 22nd to 2nd. yes, uni had many bludgy good points.

for all of you watching shit programs on the tele - stop. because if you all stop, hopefully they'll get canned and i won't have to caption them anymore. watch some more SBS, people. it's good for your soul.

**

had the work xmas party which was a lot less stressy and mucho moreos fun than i thought it would be. weirdly, two people did cre.writing at uow, one of them is good friends with a larwob dood i know but rachel knows better, another one - who's left, sadly - did english at usyd which isn't quite so amazing re: the odds of that, but we had a good old chat about m.hardy who is a very grouse person. but, much gossipy news about the uow tutors and such.

i got quite unexpectedly trashed and played an odd game called buck hunter. fun.

**

mum plans to have most of the furniture moved just before xmas, so it looks like xmas will be at the new house and that spanna will probably come too. and that no-one will be able to stay for long because of lack of bedrooms [and leave]. am going to larwob again this weekend to pack more stuff and drive as much of it up as we can. sounds like a non-weekend! woo...t.

i made many bad creaming jeans jokes yesterday at work and fear i'm going to have to deal with various amusing consequences today.

Ohhh! ( something else )

Well, that's what cleaning out your old room will get you. I have no recollection of writing that and it suitably gives no clues. who knew.

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Subject:	a lot of places
Time:	11:53 pm.

Well, I'm suitably ill at ease. Huntsmans overhead. Much fun. Welcome back to larwob.

I have been a model for family communication everywhere this week, ending with me being here, if only for one night. My room, the hallway, rachel's room, bathroom + kitchen are all an outstanding shade of white. Outstand, to stand out. My retinas are burning.

It's been mildly productive coming home but mostly not, though I dunno what I'm meant to be doing. It's not like I could start moving mum's furniture or anything. But my room is as bare and as white as a motherfucker's arse, minus bed and desk, which, for some reason, the painters decided to put on its side.

Holy mother of fuck, mum has the most ineffective bug spray ever invented. I just chased that fucking spider around the room with it, but no, it had to climb up the wall next to me, then jump on the book i was trying to get it on - seemingly a good thing, but jumping spiders are never fun. Rar. It smells like smoke outside. Blue mountains burning smoke. Which is odd 'cause it was smoke-hazy all day but no smell.

**

We also don't have a front fence anymore. Or gate. Or mailbox, actually. Well, really, it's there, just...sideways and on the ground. "Welcome to your frontyard! Minus a fence, gate, mailbox and at least five trees!" It's very weird. I'm not a fan, but that doesn't matter. I'm estimating that this will be my third to last time here. Maybe second last. I guess that depends on how long it takes to sell, and how long mum stays here if it takes ages...which I think it wil. Very weird. Didn't even clean out the last of my shit, mum did it which erks me somewhat; she can't remember where she put some of my stuff, meaning it's probably been thrown out. Also not a fan. Still, I reckon I'm keeping too much shit, but it's hard to tell.

Moths are to larwob what cockroaches are to sydney.

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Subject:	the only reason
Time:	1:50 pm.
Mood:	chipper.

pay level 2 - check. payrise... wooottt. i now feel much more confident [ie: not non-confident] about the price range of places we've been looking at. applied for a humungous place in ashfield or one of those other inner-westish a- suburbs last week but didn't get it. BUT they called to tell us we didn't get it which was a) nice of them, but b) very anti-climatic because oooh ooohhh a phonecall when we're meant to be getting a phonecall about whether we got that place and they only call if you get it, but we didn't get it. so boo.

xmas is getting more and more angsty. difficult to buy presents for people one is peed off at. and fuck knows where it's going to be still; mum was meant to have moved by now so... It's a bit ridiculous because i keep having to remind myself why i'm peed off at her, all the more ridiculous because it's partly because stezza is peed off at her. but still, she does merit peeing offness. so does everyone in the entire univerise, however.

**

went to dinner with charlie's friends. one of them, their boy has just joined the navy. she is understandably anxious. but, all the things you thought were true really are. they were sent to [classified] destination before there was any public statement about it, we all figured fiji. and what's more fucked about that is they were only meant to be going there to get australians out but it sounded much more non-friendly than that. still, we may never know.

but, more disturbingly, all the things they don't put in army recruitment ads but which are true. mass whoring of the armed forces, or, put more correctly, them whoring on local populations wherever they go. places in the middle east referred to as "dirty arab nations". getting into the special forces requiring torture training.

i don't know why that's common knowledge amongst army people and army families, and despite knowing it's fucked, nobody says anything publicly. where the fuck does the government get off pretending it doesn't happen? i've been thinking about it all week. and the chick who's boy it is... she's scared. as if you wouldn't be. she said herself it's not only that they do that shit, which is bad enough, but they come back fucked after it. which we all also know, and mum's seen a shitload of it just in the police and prison forces. half her fucking patients at the moment are OK people totally fucked over by seeing fucked shit and being bullied into doing fucked shit by higher up fucked cunts.

even the cop boy of another chick there who made the lovely "dirty arab nations" comment knew a guy who couldn't get into the special forces because he couldn't hack the torture training stuff. "he's a strong guy, physically and mentally, and he just broke down". yet he still implied everything australia + america is doing in iraq is fine. he tried to get into the army reserve but couldn't 'cause he had cancer a few years ago

it's ridiculous the democrats in america came out of the mid-term so strongly but australia will probably vote howard in again. sure, america's fucked, but at least they have some kind of strong opposition. I mean in the population, not politically.

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